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Archive for October, 2012


Holy Hurricane batman!    Last night was so scary!   I could swear my windows were going to break, and I think I was actually more scared than my dog!    Go Pinto!     I am so grateful Bed-Stuy has been minimally impacted, I still have heat, electricity, internet, hot water.   My brother’s electricity is out, and it was really frightening reading about the impact on Manhattan as it was happening last night.   




SCHOOL: Last week I registered with the department for the differently-abled students at my school … which felt both like an embarrassment and a relief.  I broke down several times last Wednesday, and finally the inside drama matched the outside mood…and now I have support with more time to do my work.   However, apparently my school no longer has a writing center?   Hm.   Finally, this week I started working on my schoolwork again, more peacefully, with some acceptance.  I need to organize my work, though. I have NEVER had a binder in as much chaos as mine is now!   I usually procrastinate with organizing tasks.   I officially withdrew from the history class, and a part of me wants to still withdraw from English but there is no reason. The teacher will work with me, and I have a lot I can grok about me from these readings..

HEALTH: Today I weighed 189.4 on the work scale!  First time I’ve seen a number below 190 in at least a year.   Only exercising moderately, and not sure that I’m really eating healthier…but still!   On the way down.   Biking to/fro the train is getting easier, not having to shift gears to handle the hills!  Not getting nearly as out of breath.   Wish I had managed to go swimming last week… I miss the pool when I skip a week!
WORK/TIME: I’m so impatiently waiting to hear back about a transfer I applied for to a psych floor, which would be a 5 day/week job, still ever other weekend, 7a-3pm.  Thought I would hear by today!   I vibed well with the manager, and hope that someone with more seniority doesn’t come along again and get the position like what happened when I was supposed to go to tele once upon a time.  But, I ended up on med-surg days with an awesome group of nurses and became a more serious nurse myself.  So, of course, whatever happens will work out for the best.  BUT I really want a change NOW…and psych is my future.  I want to start that future, not keep psych-ing patients when I should be focusing on the medicine more in an effort to leave on time.   Plus, I think working 5d/week will actually facilitate my having a more balanced life at the moment, and I can learn to schedule my non-work activities better..such as art, school, exercise, recreation, socialization.   Still have not realized my goal of being early to work, hypnosis session on Monday.

CARING: Today I had 2 patients who were slated for hospice, and 1 who perhaps might as well be in it.  The hospice patients are already elderly.  The other is middle aged and would prefer  to remain homeless and independent with her boyfriend than spend her last days-months-years in a nursing home “in a robe playing monopoly.”    Tried to convince her to stick around for a middle ground, to wait and see if they can get some kind of housing together….she is concerned about getting ready for the winter.  If she attempts to spend the winter homeless she will probably die.   I can understand her desire for freedom, and I expressed that.   However,  I had no specific answers for her, just encouragement and an ear.   She is probably closer to death than my two hospice patients at this point.

INSIDES:  Hopeful, nervous about change (“You’re not scared of the new job, you’re scared of change.”  “You’re right!”  “Isn’t it delicous? The adventure?”), Enjoying the company of a few very different lovers and have had some quite interesting exchanges.  Yet My orgasm wasn’t very forthcoming last night.  However, I am gushing and gushing squirts like never before in my life.  Seriously.   I am also enjoying the company of my house guest/mate, who is most definitely not a lover, but whom I am developing a hug relationship with.   Love my animals.   Feeling a decent amount of self-esteem and confidence.   Feeling on edge when I sit still, though, there are still feelings to sort through and let go of.   Missed therapy the last 2 weeks because of my fault first (Remembered the day before, forgot the night before and morning of!), and a scheduling misunderstanding the next.  Wanting stillness, need to make technology-free time.   Right now my legs feel restless, though.  There is an underlying tension in my gut and spine sometimes.


…and now, I should probably go to bed now but I felt compelled to write first. Glad I did!



Dream Log

Whenver I nap I get the most vivid dreams.   Does that happen to other people?  I fell asleep on the couch last night with my boots on, before I could even hear back from my expected boot-y call rasta friend.  Woke up at 9:30 to micturate, and was cold so instead of staying up, I bundled under the blanket again and surprise! fell asleep…with the reward (!?) of a weird violent dream.

It started out that I was in a new (huge) hospital and was completely lost (geographically).  I had been given my assignment, had only seen one of my patients, and I’m not sure how I got lost but I was.  I was looking for, maybe, room 340?  but couldn’t find my block of rooms – found every other surrounding range of rooms!   I also think katie was following me through the hospital.  I know she was in the dream following me at times.   In waking time, I asked her if she remembered being in the dream with me but all she said was “I want cheese.  Give me my cheese!”

I ran into a patient who was already dressed and waiting to be discharged, and she started following me (Nurses, you think *that* part is the nightmare, just wait!) but neither of us could find her room.   I asked for directions from a security guard in a lobby like area and he gave me some directions which I tried to follow fruitlessly.  I even found room # 339 but not my block of rooms.

Next thing, I”m walking outdoors and come upon some teens hanging out watching their friend run (who is apparently a popular runner, and who I thought I might have known as a friend of a friend).   It seemed to be like a farmstand setup, and there was a lazy farmer chilling while allegedly selling his wares.   My patient was still with me, following me.  I really wanted to get back to my patients because I still had only seen like 2 of them!  The farmer couldn’t tell me where the hospital was, nor could the kids.  I tried to convince them that I knew their  running friend but nobody believed me, and the runner didn’t recognize me.   Eventually they got in their pickup truck with a boombox in back and left us behind.   The lazy farmer still couldn’t tell me where the hospital was.    My patient was growing impatient.

Somehow, with some unknown woman (I forget the details now) I end up in a grappling lock and we both have serrated dinner knives, one had the fishy hooks at the end.  Interestingly, in waking time later, that was the first knife I grabbed from the knife magnet bar – I can’t see what i’m grabbing since i have it mounted under a cabinet.   She sticks me first, in my RLQ abdomen, a long stick, pulls the knife upwards.   We exchange several more sticks in slow motion – I would stab her and draw my knife in circles or slits, she would stab me in other places.   There wasn’t as much blood as one would think, and eventually I sliced off her left arm at the shoulder, leaving it partially attached, and placed a towel to quiet the gushing brachial artery.  I remember cutting off a few of her fingertips, too, figuring between the shoulder and the fingers she wouldn’t be able to stab me more, but, she did.  All of this wasn’t in particularly slow motion, but it was in exaggerated slowed regular time.

Eventually either the farmer or my patient listens to me and calls 911.   Medical people arrive, and my adversary gets flown to the hospital and somehow I get left there and end up taking a cab – yet, a few of my loose body parts were carried to the hospital.   The cabbie take me to the wrong intersection, at 16th ave and 4th street instead of 1st ave and 16th street.

Throughout all of this drama, pain and bleeding are minimal despite the severity of multiple wounds (abdomen, ribs, chest, hands), and awareness of blood is more present than pain.   We finally make it to the hospital and I”m yelling at the surgical intake clerk for my surgeons, even the clerk is calm.  Eventually they come get me, and I was in the room while they were prepping for me.   Somehow someone else ends up on the table, and when they start prepping her inguinal area by shaving she freaked out and I was telling them – like, duh, she was just knifed!

…and then I woke up, to the screeching of my friend’s alarm clock on his desk.   For once, I was glad to hear that alarm.


Wonder(ful) Wednesday

(Not wandering Wednesday, self.)

Woke up a few minutes early this morning to listen to Marie Incontrera’s radio debut.  Brought my laptop to bed and managed to stay awake somehow.  What also helped wake me up was my dog retching… pobrecito! …we both agreed that an oboe piece went on for too long.   Made coffee, planned to read an article while waiting, didn’t read the article.  Held Pinto for a bit, and watched Falcor enjoy his morning window time with a smile on his face and a twitch in his tail.  As long as I’ve had him, which is not very long, he has loved watching out the windows as the sun comes up.

I have school on my mind, of course, and I need to get decisive about my handling of it.   I can’t help but wonder if the equal and opposite reaction to having signed up for too many classes initially would be withdrawing from 2 of them, and just keeping my Nursing class, rather than just giving up on the whole semester – like I feel like doing right now.  It is not entirely a matter of not enough time, but my motivation has been absent for beyond the first 2 weeks of classes.  I shall make an effort to talk to my English Professor tomorrow and see what I can salvage.  Full day of Nursing clinicals and class today, a date with a lovely lady tonight, and devotion to Candide after class and tomorrow.   I also wonder if I can still take my paid tuition off of my taxes even if I withdrew from the classes?
Time to start the day, and I pray for the focus and passion for my studies to be present, and to rival that of my passion for the romantic and visual arts. 😉


Time and madness

Another day passes rapidly, another to-do list drawn out, though not laid out.

I’m stuck on photocopying literature I need to read, rather than just reading it and taking notes on a separate page.  I should have never separated the pages from my world lit book, but it is so nice to be able to take notes directly next to the text.   My printer can’t handle the smaller pages in the auto-feed tray, so to copy duplex i have to flip the pages by hand.    After I copy this last article, I will have all this week’s assigments “copied.”    Meanwhile, I have a nursing assignment or 2 due tomorrow, 11 chapters to study by next week, and my english stuff due thursday (candide and some poems, with reading journals), and much much more crap due next week.  I am drowning in undone schoolwork.    I want to adjourn this semester, though, that would be 2k down the drain and a semester further away from my goals.   I could also just cut it down to 1 class, my nursing class.   Though, I really like my Literature teacher.  😦

Although I am interested in the subjects I am studying, I am having a really hard time forcing myself to sit there and do the work.    Even if I did drop my classes, it is only 3 months until the next semester.    Would 3 months be enough to find my school mojo again?  I took last year off because of my mom and a desire to find a new job, and because of the grieving and being blah and fearful, I never did find that new job.

What I really want to do is exercise – [take yoga, Aikido, swim, bike] and decorate my house [paint my room, hang some art], make art,  study art, read for fun, and socialize – I’ve this grand desire to socialize at the moment, a lot, friends and lovers, with my animals and myself.      I also want to purge my house of crap, and build this blog and my digital life archive.    If I didn’t have my animals I would be a nomad.

Then there is also being late for work a lot lately.  It started out as 5 minutes.  Now it’s 10 minutes.   Granted, I’m losing my steam for med-surg really quickly, but that is no excuse.   Even though I am having more and more trouble getting up, there is still the consequence of being really inconsiderate to the nurse I am relieving.   Being late has been a lifelong problem for me, inherited from my mother.  It is something I want to overcome.  I am considering hypnosis at this point.   I end up being late for things I’m interested in, too.

My psychiatrist suggests I’m not taking care of myself and that I have too much going on.   My therapist suggests that I’m being indulgent and also not following through with the commitment I made for this semester.    I say … I don’t know what I say – but I agree with both of them.   For my own voice, I haven’t stopped to listen and be decisive.   I’m just being scattered and fluttering about.    There are (always) lots of passions and interests competing for attention, and there is an undercurrent of unrest, dis-ease, competing with a desire for balance and peace.   There is also a samsung galaxy s3 I keep getting caught up playing with.
My frustration tolerance for dealing with the anxiety associated with schoolwork is low at the moment, untrained.  Is it unwillingness or inability?   Where do they intersect?   Sigh.

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