Today was emotional. I was supposed to see a friend tonight but they relapsed last night, and I got fed up despite their intent on still showing up. Was there really a guarantee? Besides, I’m angry and hurt and I feel bad for them, but I have to protect my sobriety and sanity. I was also just feeling kinda lonely after that. Another friend I had gotten used to having around regularly has been busy or spending time with their significant other. I’m amused I’m craving friendship, considering up until a few months ago I was primarily craving lover time. That shows progress…but where is my tribe?
I spent the first portion of my life without friends. The second portion I was accessory to multiple tribes. I want my own tribe now. I refuse to believe that I am meant to be a lighthouse on an island instead of a community, or the woman on the mountain with just the animals. I believe in my spirit that I will find a lasting community, or create one. The people I’ve had the longest run of kindred feelings towards are all far away – Peru, Berlin, Oklahoma, Washington, New Jersey, Connecticut, China, Boston. Don’t laugh, New Jersey is a thousand million miles away when you are a NYC resident. 😉
So, today was an emotional wanting tribe day. Then I also missed my freakin’ English professor to turn in my paper, so I have to go to her at 1030 Wednesday morning! Ack! Mornings and I….
So, I went to ZCCC for their holiday party. Overcame social anxiety [Yes, I’m shy. Don’t laugh] by instigating conversation with the person standing next to me who wasn’t speaking to anyone else, and we chatted for the next few hours. He had watched ZCCC grow from seeds over the years, and it was nice to touch that memory with him. I encouraged him to rekindle his meditation practice. Listen to me, 15 days in acting like the disciplined meditative Bodhisattva. I left the party with a bag of leftover pasta and sweets, an unexpected parting gift, and a koan [mu/moo/wu] which will fill me up much longer should I choose to accept that challenge, and even the idea of doing a standing meditation.
It seems I’m always leaving zen centers with more than I walked in with. I sense that’s a koan too.
When I got home, I peed the dogs, gave them the new bones I got them, and tried to slip in my meditation before noshing on another round of pasta. Sitting on the table edge drew the puppy away from the bone, so I took a seat on the couch.
1 minute prep time, 10 minute meditation: My body felt relaxed, but my brain immediately wanted to relive feel-good interactions at the party. I tried to counteract that with consciously summoning up some of the seeds of sadness encountered earlier, and invited mindfulness to be with them. I think, if I recall, on my drive into the city I also invited mindfulness to give some compassion to those feelings. I tried to count breaths after cycles, as my new acquaintance suggested he did once. At some point I focused on observing the environment because pinto started growling at lucas [bone-couch turf war]. Heck, I got scared Pinto was going to launch an attack, wondering if I could consinue to simply observe as they fought it out before me – which ends up in play, interestingly. I observed that fear rise and fall, and nothing happened. Observing my cat behind my head, the fish tank gurgling, then was feeling bad about my crappy fish tank care and thought about … oh, right. In breath, Out breath. 1. In breath, out breath. 2.
10 minutes seemed like a long time, but when the timer rang, I wanted to sit longer. HA.
I didn’t, though.
I bowed to Lucas,
and revisited pasta.
Day 15, check.