Still maintaining some semblance of serenity.
The past few weeks I haven’t been meditating much at all, even at work. The humdrum cycle of school-work-schoolwork-work-schoolwork-work-school has been zombifying me a bit. I also haven’t been as desperate at work for the silence as I had been previous weeks since the unit has calmed down a bit. There were also a coupla coffee first-meets, some schoolwork, but generally just eating dinner in the office near the nursing station where we usually eat – our unit doesn’t officially have a break room for the staff, go figure.
I still find it difficult to make that space/time at home. I’m contemplating shutting myself in the bathroom for 10 minutes before or after showering, though it will bug the heck out of my zoo. 🙂
Today I got floated to a unit that didn’t end up needing me, and my unit was adequately staffed. Thus, I asked for a day off and my wish was granted! At some point the idea that it was Sunday and sangha happens on sundays crossed paths, and I resolved to go.
It was nice to be back, Rock Blossom Sangha is always so welcoming. 🙂
My back, however, complained given a lack of recent exercise and sitting time. Despite thinking I had propped myself up adequately, the first 20 minute meditation alternated between relaxation and random pains, and I adapted accordingly with slouching. I was also rusty on battling my brain and I spent most of the time chasing after thoughts rather than remembering I could let them go for now. My brain brought up thoughts and feelings from the past and future, a few of which I entertained in order to provide some compassion to help their release. What’s different now vs. when I started meditation in November (albeit irregular) is that I’m not beating myself up for not being able to reel in my brain and focus on my breath. I Just keep reassuring myself I don’t need to act on these things, I have permission to be in the present moment and appreciate it, to just sit.
For the second 20 minute seated meditation, my body decided it was going to entertain serious sleepiness and that became the battle. Battle? Why is it a battle? Let’s just call it a deep relaxation – though perhaps I should have just laid down for that 20 minutes and made it such. After I regained some consciousness, I did become somewhat irritable hoping that bell would ring, but it didn’t. I sat, dozed, thought, let thoughts go, breathed, sat, listened to the noises in the room, and eventually the bell rang.
I couldn’t quite shake the drowsiness during the dharma reading which was a passage by Pema Chodron that appeared in a recent issue of Shambala. In it she discussed meditation and the need to keep necessary things under consideration, though the human tendency is to make things a big deal. Fortunately I can still read it online. If I met a guru, I would sadly forget 3/4 of what they said anyway, even at my most alert. *sheepish cheesebrain grin*
Hopefully having the opportunity to sit with a sangha today will kickstart my meditation wagon again.
Now, time for schoolwork. I’m doing pretty good with that this weekend considering there had been a bunch of procrastination the past coupla weeks too.
Afterwards hopefully will play some cards against humanity with the waiters. 🙂 I never played, though I have bonus cards from over the holiday – including a card with my name on it! Woot!