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Life after the suicide ultimatum

This says a lot.  Don’t let someone try to hold such a thing over you.  You cant help them by staying with them!   Call 911 if you really care.

“It was an unhealthy relationship. The last thing he said was that he’d kill himself if I left him, but I just kept walking. I saw him a couple weeks ago, actually.”

“Still alive?”
“Still alive.”



I haven’t fallen of the meditation wagon (though there were a few missed scattered days)… just the writing wagon.

Happy new year!


Calling vs. Ego

Calling vs. Ego

This is awesome.  In short:  

  • Ego fears not having or doing something. Calling fears not expressing or being something.
  •  Ego needs anxiety to survive. Calling needs silence to survive.
  •  Ego manifests as burnout. Calling manifests as fulfillment.
  •  Ego focuses on the result. Calling focuses on the process.
  •  Ego wants to preserve the self. Calling wants to impact others.


Meditation day 13 –Saturday 12/14/13

Starting to feel normal again, sat in meditation (on an exam stool) for the first 10 minutes of my break.  My head was still a little foggy, my chest felt tight (I still have a cold, too).    It was done, though.    This serves as a record.  🙂

In lieu of a profound meditation report, I present you with this, inspired by Moo (which I just learned about)   [inserting links aren’t working, will fix when I restart my browser]

“Some people” by Charles Bukowski

Some People

some people never go crazy. 
me, sometimes I’ll lie down behind the couch 
for 3 or 4 days. 
they’ll find me there. 
it’s Cherub, they’ll say, and 
they pour wine down my throat 
rub my chest 
sprinkle me with oils. 
then, I’ll rise with a roar, 
rant, rage – 
curse them and the universe 
as I send them scattering over the 
I’ll feel much better, 
sit down to toast and eggs, 
hum a little tune, 
suddenly become as lovable as a 
overfed whale. 
some people never go crazy. 
what truly horrible lives 
they must lead.

© Charles Bukowski. All rights reserved

One Room, Magically Transformed

Wow.  This chick’s art is amazing. I would love to transform my currently empty second bedroom into something. Reminds me of when I did this:


Korean artist Jee Young Lee eschews Photoshop. Through painstaking attention to detail, she transforms her tiny 3.6 x 4.1 x 2.4-meter studio into surreal, fantastical settings. The sometimes-unsettling scenes from Body of Work take inspiration from Korean fairy tales and Lee’s personal life, ranging from a literal interpretation of a common Korean expression to an industrial take on her neighborhood in Seoul. But her work, which we spotted on BOOOOOOOM!, still seems a little unbelievable, even when you know she’s spent weeks or months on each set. The results are breathtaking.

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20131210 – Dream log. PS: schoolwork segued into sensual quotas

This is my second dream in a week involving laundry.  Perhaps my brain figured since I got the first reference it should keep on with the metaphor.  This one isn’t so simple, though.

I was loading up a super duper ginormous washer (industrial size, perhaps) and then as I was putting in quarters I see it requires 45!! quarters.  (I just did the math and surprisingly that is only $11.25, I thought it was a lot more).  I decided the washer was probably too large anyway, and I wasn’t going to stand there and put in 45 damn quarters.  I started to look for 2 smaller washers.  It didn’t look like a normal laundromat as I walked around.  Each washer stand had a cabinet, not always a visible washer.  (Perhaps relevant: At the monastery the washers and dryers were behind cabinets).   I think the dream ended while I was walking around….my puppy alarm clock had started complaining to be let out of the crate.   🙂

So, metaphors.  I’ve already decided that laundry represents the inside stuff I’m working towards healing.  The washer being too big was both a good thing .. in that it means I don’t have as much laundry as I thought, and also is a reference to split the laundry up and tackle it in smaller chunks.    

The thing I’m most curious is the number 45.   Thank God for Google!

Site 1: 45  It is often involved in banking, or international institutions. It struggles to be comfortable with itself. It can be cynical.  


(Amusing, given the number referred to quarters.  But I am undergoing some financial challenges.)


Site 2: 45 / 9 makes one’s own investigation, freedom and change, firm foundation, co-operation, harmony, Universal Love, Brotherhood, unfolding, completion, humanitarianism, benevolent, intuitive, selflessness.


…The reason I am “doing the laundry” of course….


Site 3: Angel Number 45 is a message from your angels to put your efforts towards the things in your life that embrace and enhance who you truly are, your lifestyle choices and your life in general.  Be prepared to make necessary changes that will bring auspicious opportunities to advance you along your path.  Trust that these changes will bring ‘better’ into your life in all aspects.

The most useful answer, and a good reminder.  Still vague, though. I guess I’ll stay tuned.  I’ve got things to do besides interpret this dream.  More will be revealed.  🙂


It could also just mean I should do my laundry today or tomorrow to maintain a manageable weekly-ish practice … before it turns into a giant machine monthly affair, as has often happened in the past.  Or all of the above.  I really doubt it is only to be interpreted literally, though.  🙂

Moving along with my day.   Therapy at 3, a paper due tonight, Thursday afternoon, Monday evening, and a project to finish by Monday as well.  Then I get a break.    

Contemplating 4 classes next semester since the computer applications in healthcare class will be mad easy for me; my classmates are all like “you should be exempt from that!”  Not sure about working full time and going to school full time though.  :/   Even though I have a “system” now (studying late night after work) I’m not ready to challenge myself like that, likely more for fear of failure than preserving the idea of a social life.  This past semester I’ve slowly let go of the need for copious amounts of free time and weekly-ish sex, though I find I really want at least quality monthly cuddles & copulation.  🙂    I have balanced in some friend time as well this semester.   My animals would like to see me, though.  Ok, ok.  No 4 classes next semester, which means in the fall I’ll likely be taking 2 nursing classes.  Meh.

Happy Tuesday!



It’s four am
here it is, here it is
it’s Suffering
peeking out again.

No rhyme or reason
Post-productive treason
When I should seep out proud
Suffer tries to steal the crown

Let go, little girl, of that grip on the past
Rest in my heart
steadfast for Peace
at last


test vid post

Date/timestamp in category pages?

Hey Press-ors,  Help?

When I write a new post it shows the date, but then on the category pages (which are set up to be my menu headers) there is no date present.   How do I fix that?