Be dynamite, Live dynamically!

I’ve primarily created this category for sharing online dating ridiculousness.

You probably won’t be surprised at the poorly thought out responses to my profiles I get.   *sigh*

For the record, here is my ok cupid profile.  I’m looking for a primary LTR of a polyamorous nature.  🙂

Reawakening to reality

It is a good thing I set that 10 minute timer…sometimes it is the mediator between meditative state and rounding the corner to sleep.  🙂 

Today I meditated in my car before returning home from school.

The last several times I’ve used my 30 sec prep time to say a little prayer or give some gratitude.   I find it does indeed prep my mind/body a little more for the sitting.

Today even though my brain was all over the place, I managed to start counting breaths towards the end of the sit and got up to 13 before the bell rang.   Not sure if I could have maintained focus until 21.  Lol.  Today was just one of those days where paying attention to my breaths did not cause my chest to feel tight – part of why I have trouble focusing on the breath.

It was also one of those sessions where when the sit was done, I opened my eyes but really did not want to move my body.  It was definitely relaxed, kind of heavy.  I really didnt want to move.    ♡

Permission to be at peace

I am most successful at making time to meditate on workdays, perhaps given they are more structured days.  By the time lunch comes around for me I am ready to run into the treatment room, turn off the light, and sit for 10 minutes on a short exam stool.

Initially the techno-squealing was annoying.  Now it gives me something external to focus on if I need help quieting the mind.  Besides, even if that wasnt there my ears would still probably ring.

Somehow I’ve lost track of watching the breath.  I only watch a few breaths at a time.  🙂 

What I have gotten good at is giving myself “permission to be at peace” for these 10 minutes, permission to not have to follow thoughts or work out problems.  I center myself by remembering that I am not on the noisy side of the psych ward at the moment, that I can let go of the reverb in my head of those noises.   Then, I try to watch my breath for a few and listen for the quiet in the room.

Frustration about the shell of a hardboiled egg not coming straight off

plus noticeable tension in the body as I prepare my work meal for tomorrow

Plus mindfulness. …

Equals

An opportunity to slow down,
let go of that tension,
and carefully remove each fragment of shell without causing further disruption of the underlying egg structure

It didn’t take that much longer.

Was there really need for rushing anyway?

Even when my mind won’t stay still, it feels good to be consciously taking the 5-10 minutes a day (most days) to relax, be present, be still with just myself…..and to remember to try to enjoy the breath, even when it feels like an effort…

In the midst of a chaotic day at work, after having missed half my lunch hour already, I called mercy and took a break.

I set the timer for a 10 minute meditation (I now do a 30 second prep timer).  My body doesn’t usually melt into the same level of relaxation as it did in the honeymoon days, but I was grateful I had this practice to make some space to provide a mindful opportunity to relax, rather than just a break on my phone or with my eyes closed stressing or just eating.   It is a different space.

Even though I wasn’t fully comfortable or connected to the moment, I tried to stay focused on my breath.  In breath, out breath.  Try and enjoy the breath, I hear the sangha leader echo in my head.  It is a challenge to enjoy the breath when Im stuck feeling like breathing is a conscious effort some breaths.
Then there is catching the breath when the stream of thoughts try to carry the awareness away.

I had accidentally programmed a bell to go off at 5 minutes too, which actually deepened my sensation of sitting.  Towards the end though I had to latch onto repeating “om mani padme hum” in my mind.  Glad I have that flexibility because it made a difference.

I suspect meditating may have prevented me from fraying my last nerve(s) on the psych ward tonight, which has been rather acute lately.  

image

Update

I haven’t fallen of the meditation wagon (though there were a few missed scattered days)… just the writing wagon.

Happy new year!

image

1 min prep; 15 min sit.

Revisited my friend the exam room at the start of my lunch today. Upped the ante back to 15 minutes, did a few little stretches and breaths to loosen up a smidge in my minute prep time, and settled onto the exam stool.

15 minutes didn’t take “that long.” I had more success with breath watching today, counting after each exhale.  Not sure I concentrated long enough to make it up to 21 as they suggested at newbie meditation
@ KTD Monastery when I visited in August.  I know I made it to atleast 10.  At some point I took the suggestion of someone else and
focused on the sound of the fan blowing when it distracted me for a few moments.  The fan drowned out the wifi router squeal, but not quite the whirr of the COW.

The observations on my thoughts escape me at the moment.  What stands out the most was feeling how relaxed my body was after a few minutes in spite of the various tensions it has at the moment [sciatic, clavicle] that were still present.  Now I find I dislike having to open my eyes and resume activity when the bell rings.  This is becoming a constant, even if the session had been a squirmy one –
except last night with the restless legs.

Of course I want this to be profound. So on the topic of Mu (does a dog have buddha nature?), I leave you lucas chasing his tail, obviously very much in the present moment.

Just did my mediation now in the parked car after returning home from work.   I tend to not meditate at night because I get restless legs most of the time.  Of course, self fulfilling perhaps this happen tonight.

I tried to ignore it first….rather, I tried to observe it.   The sensation is in so much pain as it is an action potential that must manifest into movement.  Observing it tonight, in my right leg only, I’ve noticed that it feels like I’m trying to hold back from reacting to a tickle.  For the record I have a strong dislike of being tickled.

I’m able to just observe for a little while but then it becomes so much more urgent and uncomfortable. I just have to move it, so I stretch my legs out to see if that would alleviate the tension.  Nope…. the battle with my restless leg is well established now.  I continue to try to watch my breath and observe this action potential that comes in waves starting at my hip.

I become so uncomfortable ….I start getting more and more frustrated my body starts getting more and more tense…. as I try to let my body just relax….. and I tell my leg in my head to relax….to no avail.   It brings me to tears and I encourage mindfulness to join me with those tears of frustration. 

I find it amazing that its not even a pain but I *have* to move my leg to alleviate that pressure.  

Normally in the past restless legs meant “hell no I can’t sit still like this, fuck it!” but now I somehow have more resilience to sit here for those 10 minutes that I had set my meditation app timer to, with some squirming and frustrated tears.   Somehow I’m still sitting in the car, writing about this because I just want to get the frustration out and be done with it for tonight.

I don’t know what my body wants or needs or what’s missing that I get these restless legs.  But I had not observed that it was similar to that borderline tickle reaction before.  For those of you who might suggest exercise, it’s worse when I exercise!

I sit without relief from the waves of tension that increased in frequency the longer i sat.  But I kept trying to return to breath, and observe this phenomenon.   I tried to let the outside noises be my observation point to little effect.

I thought about TNH saying we have everything we need in this moment to make us happy.    I thought about doing some tapping (EFT) to try and reduce it, but decided it would be counterproductive to observation. I wondered whether it related to my sciatic discomfort or something structural in my foot…but it isn’t every night since I left med-surg. I remembered my coworker who did reiki on me one day and said my energy flowed well except from my knees down.  I continued to breathe and cringe and squirm. 

I was so glad when the bell rang!

Of course, the tension is still there but the intensity of the waves are less since I’m no longer trying to be still. I feel a knot in my throat, a diffuse odd tension in my torso like a bad nervous energy one might get when they are in trouble.    🙂  My body just feels strange.

But I sat for that 10 minutes.  I may have even gotten 10 seconds of breath watching in there.  *grin*

Now off to my fuzzkids.  ♡

Daily pics:

Here is the crudite dish I brought to my unit holiday party
image

And a picture of my festive holdiay outfit.

image

Be well!