Be dynamite, Live dynamically!

Posts tagged ‘desire’

If I build it…

For the record, I’m really happy to be working on building up my blog finally.

I have a long-term goal of documenting much of my life’s journeys as a record – someone existed like this, whatever this is.   Maybe someone can learn something about themselves or another culture from my example.    Maybe not.

A friend of mine denies any of this matters.  Maybe it doesn’t in the long run.  Maybe the information I present here will be data in a file somewhere someday, out of sight, out of mind.   He says he creates art because he enjoys it, and I write because I enjoy it.  I like having the potential for an audience because I reckon I’m an exhibitionist.  😉 Hopefully this month off of school will see both a lot of writing and a lot of art on my part too.  🙂

At any rate, It is in progress.  The seed is growing.

Cest la vie, TBD.

 

Time and madness

Another day passes rapidly, another to-do list drawn out, though not laid out.

I’m stuck on photocopying literature I need to read, rather than just reading it and taking notes on a separate page.  I should have never separated the pages from my world lit book, but it is so nice to be able to take notes directly next to the text.   My printer can’t handle the smaller pages in the auto-feed tray, so to copy duplex i have to flip the pages by hand.    After I copy this last article, I will have all this week’s assigments “copied.”    Meanwhile, I have a nursing assignment or 2 due tomorrow, 11 chapters to study by next week, and my english stuff due thursday (candide and some poems, with reading journals), and much much more crap due next week.  I am drowning in undone schoolwork.    I want to adjourn this semester, though, that would be 2k down the drain and a semester further away from my goals.   I could also just cut it down to 1 class, my nursing class.   Though, I really like my Literature teacher.  😦

Although I am interested in the subjects I am studying, I am having a really hard time forcing myself to sit there and do the work.    Even if I did drop my classes, it is only 3 months until the next semester.    Would 3 months be enough to find my school mojo again?  I took last year off because of my mom and a desire to find a new job, and because of the grieving and being blah and fearful, I never did find that new job.

What I really want to do is exercise – [take yoga, Aikido, swim, bike] and decorate my house [paint my room, hang some art], make art,  study art, read for fun, and socialize – I’ve this grand desire to socialize at the moment, a lot, friends and lovers, with my animals and myself.      I also want to purge my house of crap, and build this blog and my digital life archive.    If I didn’t have my animals I would be a nomad.

Then there is also being late for work a lot lately.  It started out as 5 minutes.  Now it’s 10 minutes.   Granted, I’m losing my steam for med-surg really quickly, but that is no excuse.   Even though I am having more and more trouble getting up, there is still the consequence of being really inconsiderate to the nurse I am relieving.   Being late has been a lifelong problem for me, inherited from my mother.  It is something I want to overcome.  I am considering hypnosis at this point.   I end up being late for things I’m interested in, too.

My psychiatrist suggests I’m not taking care of myself and that I have too much going on.   My therapist suggests that I’m being indulgent and also not following through with the commitment I made for this semester.    I say … I don’t know what I say – but I agree with both of them.   For my own voice, I haven’t stopped to listen and be decisive.   I’m just being scattered and fluttering about.    There are (always) lots of passions and interests competing for attention, and there is an undercurrent of unrest, dis-ease, competing with a desire for balance and peace.   There is also a samsung galaxy s3 I keep getting caught up playing with.
My frustration tolerance for dealing with the anxiety associated with schoolwork is low at the moment, untrained.  Is it unwillingness or inability?   Where do they intersect?   Sigh.