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Posts tagged ‘fear’


Calling vs. Ego

Calling vs. Ego

This is awesome.  In short:  

  • Ego fears not having or doing something. Calling fears not expressing or being something.
  •  Ego needs anxiety to survive. Calling needs silence to survive.
  •  Ego manifests as burnout. Calling manifests as fulfillment.
  •  Ego focuses on the result. Calling focuses on the process.
  •  Ego wants to preserve the self. Calling wants to impact others.



On being new to something but reaching out and teaching someone else..

When a candle is freshly lit, in but a moment it is fortified enough to light another candle. It does not think to itself, “Wait! I don’t know much about burning brightly! How do I know I’ll be able to light the other candle?” Further, we see that when the new candle catches fire, the old light is strengthened as well.

Is this not true for humans as well? Does not the teacher learn to burn brighter through the student when they catch fire to an idea?

We as humans seem to doubt our vantage point for sharing ideas and teaching. We expect that being qualified would mean mastery of being a candle. But mastery of being a candle means the candle is no more – it burned until extinguished, until the wick was no more.

There is a certain level of expertise that is required to teach, of course. But once your flame is lit and stable, so as to not extinguish your own flame when lighting another’s, do not hesitate!  Others need your light!

“If you have knowledge, let others light their candles in it.” – Margaret Fuller.

heart candle in hands


Holy Hurricane batman!    Last night was so scary!   I could swear my windows were going to break, and I think I was actually more scared than my dog!    Go Pinto!     I am so grateful Bed-Stuy has been minimally impacted, I still have heat, electricity, internet, hot water.   My brother’s electricity is out, and it was really frightening reading about the impact on Manhattan as it was happening last night.   


Time and madness

Another day passes rapidly, another to-do list drawn out, though not laid out.

I’m stuck on photocopying literature I need to read, rather than just reading it and taking notes on a separate page.  I should have never separated the pages from my world lit book, but it is so nice to be able to take notes directly next to the text.   My printer can’t handle the smaller pages in the auto-feed tray, so to copy duplex i have to flip the pages by hand.    After I copy this last article, I will have all this week’s assigments “copied.”    Meanwhile, I have a nursing assignment or 2 due tomorrow, 11 chapters to study by next week, and my english stuff due thursday (candide and some poems, with reading journals), and much much more crap due next week.  I am drowning in undone schoolwork.    I want to adjourn this semester, though, that would be 2k down the drain and a semester further away from my goals.   I could also just cut it down to 1 class, my nursing class.   Though, I really like my Literature teacher.  😦

Although I am interested in the subjects I am studying, I am having a really hard time forcing myself to sit there and do the work.    Even if I did drop my classes, it is only 3 months until the next semester.    Would 3 months be enough to find my school mojo again?  I took last year off because of my mom and a desire to find a new job, and because of the grieving and being blah and fearful, I never did find that new job.

What I really want to do is exercise – [take yoga, Aikido, swim, bike] and decorate my house [paint my room, hang some art], make art,  study art, read for fun, and socialize – I’ve this grand desire to socialize at the moment, a lot, friends and lovers, with my animals and myself.      I also want to purge my house of crap, and build this blog and my digital life archive.    If I didn’t have my animals I would be a nomad.

Then there is also being late for work a lot lately.  It started out as 5 minutes.  Now it’s 10 minutes.   Granted, I’m losing my steam for med-surg really quickly, but that is no excuse.   Even though I am having more and more trouble getting up, there is still the consequence of being really inconsiderate to the nurse I am relieving.   Being late has been a lifelong problem for me, inherited from my mother.  It is something I want to overcome.  I am considering hypnosis at this point.   I end up being late for things I’m interested in, too.

My psychiatrist suggests I’m not taking care of myself and that I have too much going on.   My therapist suggests that I’m being indulgent and also not following through with the commitment I made for this semester.    I say … I don’t know what I say – but I agree with both of them.   For my own voice, I haven’t stopped to listen and be decisive.   I’m just being scattered and fluttering about.    There are (always) lots of passions and interests competing for attention, and there is an undercurrent of unrest, dis-ease, competing with a desire for balance and peace.   There is also a samsung galaxy s3 I keep getting caught up playing with.
My frustration tolerance for dealing with the anxiety associated with schoolwork is low at the moment, untrained.  Is it unwillingness or inability?   Where do they intersect?   Sigh.