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Posts tagged ‘mentalhealth’

Things I’ve Survived: Sexual Abuse, Bullying, Substance Abuse

Converting this from a page to a category, so this is a repost.  

I have survived some crappy things  in my life, and with the help of intermittent therapy and life experiences over the years my self-esteem has grown tremendously.  The “victim” still likes to peek through my defense systems from time to time, and I know I still have a lot of healing to do.   Briefly, to be discussed in depth over time…

1. Bullying.  At the earliest, I was the kid that everyone picked on in school… “Booger Queen” … for the obvious reasons.   I had very few consistent friends growing up, and I was basically bullied until, and past, JHS.  It wasn’t until HS that I felt I was able to start having a real social life.  Consequently, though, I have difficulty maintaining active friendships.  I have a lot of friends, but not a lot of active friendships, if that makes any sense.  Interestingly, facebook has been a valuable tool for me to be less isolated, and some of my longer-term friends are becoming even greater friends now.   :)

2. Sexual Abuse.  From the ages of 8-13, approximately, I was sexually abused by a male relative who will remain unidentified for now,  out of respect for his own life conflicts that led to him abusing me (he was abused), and for the brevity he showed throughout the years in terms of admitting his wrongdoings and being accountable for them.   I am aware that my gregarious sexual nature is likely secondary to this, but man, am I grateful I am very interested in sex, as opposed to very scared by it!    However, with the combination of the bullying history and this, I have tended to be in serial relationships, also preventing me from fostering active friendships.   However, now, Fall 2012, I am committed to not being in a primary relationship for a while and learning how to have friendships and be more independent – even though I was mostly independent in my relationships but there was a lot of codependency.

3. PolySubstance Abuse.   Addictive traits run in my family, and, having seen their effects  I really never thought it would happen to me.   In my teen years and early 20′s I was sort of a good girl (except for lots of romantic affairs!)  and it wasn’t until my late 20′s that my dabbling in alcohol and drugs took over my life.   I’m grateful to be sober today!   Every time I see a patient in the hospital who is still caught in the grips of the addictive cycle, I feel both merciful towards them and even more grateful for my own sobriety.   My clean date is May 1st, 2007, so as of 2012 I’m clean 5+ years!!!   so as of today I’m clean for 6 years, 7 months, and change.  Fortunately I got clean before getting my Nursing license, and I pray pray pray I never ever pick up again while I am a Nurse!  That is such a scary fate, with diverting medication and trust issues with coworkers and all that.   I am consciously aware of the possibility that if I don’t take care of myself, and if I relapse, that would be a possible ending.

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“Some people” by Charles Bukowski

Some People

some people never go crazy. 
me, sometimes I’ll lie down behind the couch 
for 3 or 4 days. 
they’ll find me there. 
it’s Cherub, they’ll say, and 
they pour wine down my throat 
rub my chest 
sprinkle me with oils. 
then, I’ll rise with a roar, 
rant, rage – 
curse them and the universe 
as I send them scattering over the 
lawn. 
I’ll feel much better, 
sit down to toast and eggs, 
hum a little tune, 
suddenly become as lovable as a 
pink 
overfed whale. 
some people never go crazy. 
what truly horrible lives 
they must lead.
 

© Charles Bukowski. All rights reserved

20131210 – Dream log. PS: schoolwork segued into sensual quotas

This is my second dream in a week involving laundry.  Perhaps my brain figured since I got the first reference it should keep on with the metaphor.  This one isn’t so simple, though.

I was loading up a super duper ginormous washer (industrial size, perhaps) and then as I was putting in quarters I see it requires 45!! quarters.  (I just did the math and surprisingly that is only $11.25, I thought it was a lot more).  I decided the washer was probably too large anyway, and I wasn’t going to stand there and put in 45 damn quarters.  I started to look for 2 smaller washers.  It didn’t look like a normal laundromat as I walked around.  Each washer stand had a cabinet, not always a visible washer.  (Perhaps relevant: At the monastery the washers and dryers were behind cabinets).   I think the dream ended while I was walking around….my puppy alarm clock had started complaining to be let out of the crate.   🙂

So, metaphors.  I’ve already decided that laundry represents the inside stuff I’m working towards healing.  The washer being too big was both a good thing .. in that it means I don’t have as much laundry as I thought, and also is a reference to split the laundry up and tackle it in smaller chunks.    

The thing I’m most curious is the number 45.   Thank God for Google!

Site 1: 45  It is often involved in banking, or international institutions. It struggles to be comfortable with itself. It can be cynical.  

 

(Amusing, given the number referred to quarters.  But I am undergoing some financial challenges.)

 

Site 2: 45 / 9 makes one’s own investigation, freedom and change, firm foundation, co-operation, harmony, Universal Love, Brotherhood, unfolding, completion, humanitarianism, benevolent, intuitive, selflessness.

 

…The reason I am “doing the laundry” of course….

 

Site 3: Angel Number 45 is a message from your angels to put your efforts towards the things in your life that embrace and enhance who you truly are, your lifestyle choices and your life in general.  Be prepared to make necessary changes that will bring auspicious opportunities to advance you along your path.  Trust that these changes will bring ‘better’ into your life in all aspects.

The most useful answer, and a good reminder.  Still vague, though. I guess I’ll stay tuned.  I’ve got things to do besides interpret this dream.  More will be revealed.  🙂

 

It could also just mean I should do my laundry today or tomorrow to maintain a manageable weekly-ish practice … before it turns into a giant machine monthly affair, as has often happened in the past.  Or all of the above.  I really doubt it is only to be interpreted literally, though.  🙂

Moving along with my day.   Therapy at 3, a paper due tonight, Thursday afternoon, Monday evening, and a project to finish by Monday as well.  Then I get a break.    

Contemplating 4 classes next semester since the computer applications in healthcare class will be mad easy for me; my classmates are all like “you should be exempt from that!”  Not sure about working full time and going to school full time though.  :/   Even though I have a “system” now (studying late night after work) I’m not ready to challenge myself like that, likely more for fear of failure than preserving the idea of a social life.  This past semester I’ve slowly let go of the need for copious amounts of free time and weekly-ish sex, though I find I really want at least quality monthly cuddles & copulation.  🙂    I have balanced in some friend time as well this semester.   My animals would like to see me, though.  Ok, ok.  No 4 classes next semester, which means in the fall I’ll likely be taking 2 nursing classes.  Meh.

Happy Tuesday!