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Posts tagged ‘nursing’

Can dead people use the phone?

A patient asks, “can dead people use the phone?”
“Not usually”
“So that means when I talked to my mother on the phone she wasn’t dead?”
“Probably not”
“Ok, good”

 

(originally posted on FB, 5/2/2014)

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Things I’ve Survived: Sexual Abuse, Bullying, Substance Abuse

Converting this from a page to a category, so this is a repost.  

I have survived some crappy things  in my life, and with the help of intermittent therapy and life experiences over the years my self-esteem has grown tremendously.  The “victim” still likes to peek through my defense systems from time to time, and I know I still have a lot of healing to do.   Briefly, to be discussed in depth over time…

1. Bullying.  At the earliest, I was the kid that everyone picked on in school… “Booger Queen” … for the obvious reasons.   I had very few consistent friends growing up, and I was basically bullied until, and past, JHS.  It wasn’t until HS that I felt I was able to start having a real social life.  Consequently, though, I have difficulty maintaining active friendships.  I have a lot of friends, but not a lot of active friendships, if that makes any sense.  Interestingly, facebook has been a valuable tool for me to be less isolated, and some of my longer-term friends are becoming even greater friends now.   :)

2. Sexual Abuse.  From the ages of 8-13, approximately, I was sexually abused by a male relative who will remain unidentified for now,  out of respect for his own life conflicts that led to him abusing me (he was abused), and for the brevity he showed throughout the years in terms of admitting his wrongdoings and being accountable for them.   I am aware that my gregarious sexual nature is likely secondary to this, but man, am I grateful I am very interested in sex, as opposed to very scared by it!    However, with the combination of the bullying history and this, I have tended to be in serial relationships, also preventing me from fostering active friendships.   However, now, Fall 2012, I am committed to not being in a primary relationship for a while and learning how to have friendships and be more independent – even though I was mostly independent in my relationships but there was a lot of codependency.

3. PolySubstance Abuse.   Addictive traits run in my family, and, having seen their effects  I really never thought it would happen to me.   In my teen years and early 20′s I was sort of a good girl (except for lots of romantic affairs!)  and it wasn’t until my late 20′s that my dabbling in alcohol and drugs took over my life.   I’m grateful to be sober today!   Every time I see a patient in the hospital who is still caught in the grips of the addictive cycle, I feel both merciful towards them and even more grateful for my own sobriety.   My clean date is May 1st, 2007, so as of 2012 I’m clean 5+ years!!!   so as of today I’m clean for 6 years, 7 months, and change.  Fortunately I got clean before getting my Nursing license, and I pray pray pray I never ever pick up again while I am a Nurse!  That is such a scary fate, with diverting medication and trust issues with coworkers and all that.   I am consciously aware of the possibility that if I don’t take care of myself, and if I relapse, that would be a possible ending.

nursing is great

except when i spend my whole day pushing meds

Pending.

SCHOOL: Last week I registered with the department for the differently-abled students at my school … which felt both like an embarrassment and a relief.  I broke down several times last Wednesday, and finally the inside drama matched the outside mood…and now I have support with more time to do my work.   However, apparently my school no longer has a writing center?   Hm.   Finally, this week I started working on my schoolwork again, more peacefully, with some acceptance.  I need to organize my work, though. I have NEVER had a binder in as much chaos as mine is now!   I usually procrastinate with organizing tasks.   I officially withdrew from the history class, and a part of me wants to still withdraw from English but there is no reason. The teacher will work with me, and I have a lot I can grok about me from these readings..

 
HEALTH: Today I weighed 189.4 on the work scale!  First time I’ve seen a number below 190 in at least a year.   Only exercising moderately, and not sure that I’m really eating healthier…but still!   On the way down.   Biking to/fro the train is getting easier, not having to shift gears to handle the hills!  Not getting nearly as out of breath.   Wish I had managed to go swimming last week… I miss the pool when I skip a week!
WORK/TIME: I’m so impatiently waiting to hear back about a transfer I applied for to a psych floor, which would be a 5 day/week job, still ever other weekend, 7a-3pm.  Thought I would hear by today!   I vibed well with the manager, and hope that someone with more seniority doesn’t come along again and get the position like what happened when I was supposed to go to tele once upon a time.  But, I ended up on med-surg days with an awesome group of nurses and became a more serious nurse myself.  So, of course, whatever happens will work out for the best.  BUT I really want a change NOW…and psych is my future.  I want to start that future, not keep psych-ing patients when I should be focusing on the medicine more in an effort to leave on time.   Plus, I think working 5d/week will actually facilitate my having a more balanced life at the moment, and I can learn to schedule my non-work activities better..such as art, school, exercise, recreation, socialization.   Still have not realized my goal of being early to work, hypnosis session on Monday.

CARING: Today I had 2 patients who were slated for hospice, and 1 who perhaps might as well be in it.  The hospice patients are already elderly.  The other is middle aged and would prefer  to remain homeless and independent with her boyfriend than spend her last days-months-years in a nursing home “in a robe playing monopoly.”    Tried to convince her to stick around for a middle ground, to wait and see if they can get some kind of housing together….she is concerned about getting ready for the winter.  If she attempts to spend the winter homeless she will probably die.   I can understand her desire for freedom, and I expressed that.   However,  I had no specific answers for her, just encouragement and an ear.   She is probably closer to death than my two hospice patients at this point.

INSIDES:  Hopeful, nervous about change (“You’re not scared of the new job, you’re scared of change.”  “You’re right!”  “Isn’t it delicous? The adventure?”), Enjoying the company of a few very different lovers and have had some quite interesting exchanges.  Yet My orgasm wasn’t very forthcoming last night.  However, I am gushing and gushing squirts like never before in my life.  Seriously.   I am also enjoying the company of my house guest/mate, who is most definitely not a lover, but whom I am developing a hug relationship with.   Love my animals.   Feeling a decent amount of self-esteem and confidence.   Feeling on edge when I sit still, though, there are still feelings to sort through and let go of.   Missed therapy the last 2 weeks because of my fault first (Remembered the day before, forgot the night before and morning of!), and a scheduling misunderstanding the next.  Wanting stillness, need to make technology-free time.   Right now my legs feel restless, though.  There is an underlying tension in my gut and spine sometimes.

 

…and now, I should probably go to bed now but I felt compelled to write first. Glad I did!