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Posts tagged ‘restlessness’

Meditation Day 6 – 12/7/13

Didn’t really have the time or headspace to meditate before work today, so resolved to meditate at work at the beginning of my break, which I did.

Started in a conference room chair with the lights out, planning to sit for 15 minutes with a minute prep time.

In less than a minute, decided the whirr of computers and squeal of the wifi router and tick tick tick tick of the clock was overwhelmingly annoying, and there was also a likelihood of getting interrupted.    Took it to the exam room which would only be entered into for an emergency or supplies.  Still whirr-squeal, but no tick tick tick.   So, I sat.

Shhh brain, shhhhhhhh.  My chest felt tight trying to watch my breath, sitting up on the stool felt weird, then leaning my back against the exam table was annoying so sat up tall again.  Whirrrsqueealll!   Kept having to lasso the brain in, though there were a few milli-moments of feeling relaxed.  Thought about bringing ear plugs tomorrow, though in such a room I would still perceive EMF’s were effecting me even if I couldn’t hear them.  (Reminder – prioritize moving cable modem and wifi router out of bedroom at home in the next few weeks!)

After the chime rang and I opened my eyes though I realized my body had been more relaxed than I recognized, at least from the waist down and in my head.    There was more going on than my mind’s eye perceived.  🙂

Tomorrow, if I end up meditating at work again I’m going to bring earplugs and sit in the seclusion room, which we don’t use very often.  Although I did have my Ipod and could have played a music or guided meditation, I also want to learn stillness, watching breath, observing self. Meditation music and chants are fab but are not entirely self-directed journeys from within.   I can’t believe I’m saying this.  A few years ago I thought just sitting and watching one’s breath was annoying and stupid.  🙂

Onward we journey.

Pending.

SCHOOL: Last week I registered with the department for the differently-abled students at my school … which felt both like an embarrassment and a relief.  I broke down several times last Wednesday, and finally the inside drama matched the outside mood…and now I have support with more time to do my work.   However, apparently my school no longer has a writing center?   Hm.   Finally, this week I started working on my schoolwork again, more peacefully, with some acceptance.  I need to organize my work, though. I have NEVER had a binder in as much chaos as mine is now!   I usually procrastinate with organizing tasks.   I officially withdrew from the history class, and a part of me wants to still withdraw from English but there is no reason. The teacher will work with me, and I have a lot I can grok about me from these readings..

 
HEALTH: Today I weighed 189.4 on the work scale!  First time I’ve seen a number below 190 in at least a year.   Only exercising moderately, and not sure that I’m really eating healthier…but still!   On the way down.   Biking to/fro the train is getting easier, not having to shift gears to handle the hills!  Not getting nearly as out of breath.   Wish I had managed to go swimming last week… I miss the pool when I skip a week!
WORK/TIME: I’m so impatiently waiting to hear back about a transfer I applied for to a psych floor, which would be a 5 day/week job, still ever other weekend, 7a-3pm.  Thought I would hear by today!   I vibed well with the manager, and hope that someone with more seniority doesn’t come along again and get the position like what happened when I was supposed to go to tele once upon a time.  But, I ended up on med-surg days with an awesome group of nurses and became a more serious nurse myself.  So, of course, whatever happens will work out for the best.  BUT I really want a change NOW…and psych is my future.  I want to start that future, not keep psych-ing patients when I should be focusing on the medicine more in an effort to leave on time.   Plus, I think working 5d/week will actually facilitate my having a more balanced life at the moment, and I can learn to schedule my non-work activities better..such as art, school, exercise, recreation, socialization.   Still have not realized my goal of being early to work, hypnosis session on Monday.

CARING: Today I had 2 patients who were slated for hospice, and 1 who perhaps might as well be in it.  The hospice patients are already elderly.  The other is middle aged and would prefer  to remain homeless and independent with her boyfriend than spend her last days-months-years in a nursing home “in a robe playing monopoly.”    Tried to convince her to stick around for a middle ground, to wait and see if they can get some kind of housing together….she is concerned about getting ready for the winter.  If she attempts to spend the winter homeless she will probably die.   I can understand her desire for freedom, and I expressed that.   However,  I had no specific answers for her, just encouragement and an ear.   She is probably closer to death than my two hospice patients at this point.

INSIDES:  Hopeful, nervous about change (“You’re not scared of the new job, you’re scared of change.”  “You’re right!”  “Isn’t it delicous? The adventure?”), Enjoying the company of a few very different lovers and have had some quite interesting exchanges.  Yet My orgasm wasn’t very forthcoming last night.  However, I am gushing and gushing squirts like never before in my life.  Seriously.   I am also enjoying the company of my house guest/mate, who is most definitely not a lover, but whom I am developing a hug relationship with.   Love my animals.   Feeling a decent amount of self-esteem and confidence.   Feeling on edge when I sit still, though, there are still feelings to sort through and let go of.   Missed therapy the last 2 weeks because of my fault first (Remembered the day before, forgot the night before and morning of!), and a scheduling misunderstanding the next.  Wanting stillness, need to make technology-free time.   Right now my legs feel restless, though.  There is an underlying tension in my gut and spine sometimes.

 

…and now, I should probably go to bed now but I felt compelled to write first. Glad I did!