Just did my mediation now in the parked car after returning home from work. I tend to not meditate at night because I get restless legs most of the time. Of course, self fulfilling perhaps this happen tonight.
I tried to ignore it first….rather, I tried to observe it. The sensation is in so much pain as it is an action potential that must manifest into movement. Observing it tonight, in my right leg only, I’ve noticed that it feels like I’m trying to hold back from reacting to a tickle. For the record I have a strong dislike of being tickled.
I’m able to just observe for a little while but then it becomes so much more urgent and uncomfortable. I just have to move it, so I stretch my legs out to see if that would alleviate the tension. Nope…. the battle with my restless leg is well established now. I continue to try to watch my breath and observe this action potential that comes in waves starting at my hip.
I become so uncomfortable ….I start getting more and more frustrated my body starts getting more and more tense…. as I try to let my body just relax….. and I tell my leg in my head to relax….to no avail. It brings me to tears and I encourage mindfulness to join me with those tears of frustration.
I find it amazing that its not even a pain but I *have* to move my leg to alleviate that pressure.
Normally in the past restless legs meant “hell no I can’t sit still like this, fuck it!” but now I somehow have more resilience to sit here for those 10 minutes that I had set my meditation app timer to, with some squirming and frustrated tears. Somehow I’m still sitting in the car, writing about this because I just want to get the frustration out and be done with it for tonight.
I don’t know what my body wants or needs or what’s missing that I get these restless legs. But I had not observed that it was similar to that borderline tickle reaction before. For those of you who might suggest exercise, it’s worse when I exercise!
I sit without relief from the waves of tension that increased in frequency the longer i sat. But I kept trying to return to breath, and observe this phenomenon. I tried to let the outside noises be my observation point to little effect.
I thought about TNH saying we have everything we need in this moment to make us happy. I thought about doing some tapping (EFT) to try and reduce it, but decided it would be counterproductive to observation. I wondered whether it related to my sciatic discomfort or something structural in my foot…but it isn’t every night since I left med-surg. I remembered my coworker who did reiki on me one day and said my energy flowed well except from my knees down. I continued to breathe and cringe and squirm.
I was so glad when the bell rang!
Of course, the tension is still there but the intensity of the waves are less since I’m no longer trying to be still. I feel a knot in my throat, a diffuse odd tension in my torso like a bad nervous energy one might get when they are in trouble. 🙂 My body just feels strange.
But I sat for that 10 minutes. I may have even gotten 10 seconds of breath watching in there. *grin*
Now off to my fuzzkids. ♡
And a picture of my festive holdiay outfit.