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Posts tagged ‘school’

Sleepy Sunday Sangha Sitting

Still maintaining some semblance of serenity.

Still maintaining some semblance of serenity.

The past few weeks I haven’t been meditating much at all, even at work.  The humdrum cycle of school-work-schoolwork-work-schoolwork-work-school has been zombifying me a bit.   I also haven’t been as desperate at work for the silence as I had been previous weeks since the unit has calmed down a bit.  There were also a coupla coffee first-meets, some schoolwork, but generally just eating dinner in the office near the nursing station where we usually eat – our unit doesn’t officially have a break room for the staff, go figure.

I still find it difficult to make that space/time at home.  I’m contemplating shutting myself in the bathroom for 10 minutes before or after showering, though it will bug the heck out of my zoo.  🙂

Today I got floated to a unit that didn’t end up needing me, and my unit was adequately staffed.  Thus, I asked for a day off and my wish was granted!  At some point the idea that it was Sunday and sangha happens on sundays crossed paths, and I resolved to go.

It was nice to be back, Rock Blossom Sangha is always so welcoming.  🙂

My back, however, complained given a lack of recent exercise and sitting time. Despite thinking I had propped myself up adequately, the first 20 minute meditation alternated between relaxation and random pains, and I adapted accordingly with slouching.   I was also rusty on battling my brain and I spent most of the time chasing after thoughts rather than remembering I could let them go for now.   My brain brought up thoughts and feelings from the past and future, a few of which I entertained  in order to provide some compassion to help their release.   What’s different now vs. when I started meditation in November (albeit irregular) is that I’m not beating myself up for not being able to reel in my brain and focus on my breath.  I Just keep reassuring myself I don’t need to act on these things, I have permission to be in the present moment and appreciate it, to just sit.

For the second 20 minute seated meditation, my body decided it was going to entertain serious sleepiness and that became the battle.  Battle?  Why is it a battle?  Let’s just call it a deep relaxation – though perhaps I should have just laid down for that 20 minutes and made it such.   After I regained some consciousness, I did become somewhat irritable hoping that bell would ring, but it didn’t.  I sat, dozed, thought, let thoughts go, breathed, sat, listened to the noises in the room, and eventually the bell rang.

I couldn’t quite shake the drowsiness during the dharma reading which was a passage by Pema Chodron that appeared in a recent issue of Shambala.  In it she discussed  meditation and the need to keep necessary things under consideration, though the human tendency is to make things a big deal.   Fortunately I can still read it online.   If I met a guru, I would sadly  forget 3/4 of what they said anyway, even at my most alert.  *sheepish cheesebrain grin*

Hopefully having the opportunity to sit with a sangha today will kickstart my meditation wagon again.

Now, time for schoolwork.  I’m doing pretty good with that this weekend considering there had been a bunch of procrastination the past coupla weeks too.

Afterwards hopefully will play some cards against humanity with the waiters.  🙂   I never played, though I have bonus cards from over the holiday – including a card with my name on it!  Woot!

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20131210 – Dream log. PS: schoolwork segued into sensual quotas

This is my second dream in a week involving laundry.  Perhaps my brain figured since I got the first reference it should keep on with the metaphor.  This one isn’t so simple, though.

I was loading up a super duper ginormous washer (industrial size, perhaps) and then as I was putting in quarters I see it requires 45!! quarters.  (I just did the math and surprisingly that is only $11.25, I thought it was a lot more).  I decided the washer was probably too large anyway, and I wasn’t going to stand there and put in 45 damn quarters.  I started to look for 2 smaller washers.  It didn’t look like a normal laundromat as I walked around.  Each washer stand had a cabinet, not always a visible washer.  (Perhaps relevant: At the monastery the washers and dryers were behind cabinets).   I think the dream ended while I was walking around….my puppy alarm clock had started complaining to be let out of the crate.   🙂

So, metaphors.  I’ve already decided that laundry represents the inside stuff I’m working towards healing.  The washer being too big was both a good thing .. in that it means I don’t have as much laundry as I thought, and also is a reference to split the laundry up and tackle it in smaller chunks.    

The thing I’m most curious is the number 45.   Thank God for Google!

Site 1: 45  It is often involved in banking, or international institutions. It struggles to be comfortable with itself. It can be cynical.  

 

(Amusing, given the number referred to quarters.  But I am undergoing some financial challenges.)

 

Site 2: 45 / 9 makes one’s own investigation, freedom and change, firm foundation, co-operation, harmony, Universal Love, Brotherhood, unfolding, completion, humanitarianism, benevolent, intuitive, selflessness.

 

…The reason I am “doing the laundry” of course….

 

Site 3: Angel Number 45 is a message from your angels to put your efforts towards the things in your life that embrace and enhance who you truly are, your lifestyle choices and your life in general.  Be prepared to make necessary changes that will bring auspicious opportunities to advance you along your path.  Trust that these changes will bring ‘better’ into your life in all aspects.

The most useful answer, and a good reminder.  Still vague, though. I guess I’ll stay tuned.  I’ve got things to do besides interpret this dream.  More will be revealed.  🙂

 

It could also just mean I should do my laundry today or tomorrow to maintain a manageable weekly-ish practice … before it turns into a giant machine monthly affair, as has often happened in the past.  Or all of the above.  I really doubt it is only to be interpreted literally, though.  🙂

Moving along with my day.   Therapy at 3, a paper due tonight, Thursday afternoon, Monday evening, and a project to finish by Monday as well.  Then I get a break.    

Contemplating 4 classes next semester since the computer applications in healthcare class will be mad easy for me; my classmates are all like “you should be exempt from that!”  Not sure about working full time and going to school full time though.  :/   Even though I have a “system” now (studying late night after work) I’m not ready to challenge myself like that, likely more for fear of failure than preserving the idea of a social life.  This past semester I’ve slowly let go of the need for copious amounts of free time and weekly-ish sex, though I find I really want at least quality monthly cuddles & copulation.  🙂    I have balanced in some friend time as well this semester.   My animals would like to see me, though.  Ok, ok.  No 4 classes next semester, which means in the fall I’ll likely be taking 2 nursing classes.  Meh.

Happy Tuesday!

 

Wonder(ful) Wednesday

(Not wandering Wednesday, self.)

Woke up a few minutes early this morning to listen to Marie Incontrera’s radio debut.  Brought my laptop to bed and managed to stay awake somehow.  What also helped wake me up was my dog retching… pobrecito! …we both agreed that an oboe piece went on for too long.   Made coffee, planned to read an article while waiting, didn’t read the article.  Held Pinto for a bit, and watched Falcor enjoy his morning window time with a smile on his face and a twitch in his tail.  As long as I’ve had him, which is not very long, he has loved watching out the windows as the sun comes up.

I have school on my mind, of course, and I need to get decisive about my handling of it.   I can’t help but wonder if the equal and opposite reaction to having signed up for too many classes initially would be withdrawing from 2 of them, and just keeping my Nursing class, rather than just giving up on the whole semester – like I feel like doing right now.  It is not entirely a matter of not enough time, but my motivation has been absent for beyond the first 2 weeks of classes.  I shall make an effort to talk to my English Professor tomorrow and see what I can salvage.  Full day of Nursing clinicals and class today, a date with a lovely lady tonight, and devotion to Candide after class and tomorrow.   I also wonder if I can still take my paid tuition off of my taxes even if I withdrew from the classes?
Time to start the day, and I pray for the focus and passion for my studies to be present, and to rival that of my passion for the romantic and visual arts. 😉

 

Time and madness

Another day passes rapidly, another to-do list drawn out, though not laid out.

I’m stuck on photocopying literature I need to read, rather than just reading it and taking notes on a separate page.  I should have never separated the pages from my world lit book, but it is so nice to be able to take notes directly next to the text.   My printer can’t handle the smaller pages in the auto-feed tray, so to copy duplex i have to flip the pages by hand.    After I copy this last article, I will have all this week’s assigments “copied.”    Meanwhile, I have a nursing assignment or 2 due tomorrow, 11 chapters to study by next week, and my english stuff due thursday (candide and some poems, with reading journals), and much much more crap due next week.  I am drowning in undone schoolwork.    I want to adjourn this semester, though, that would be 2k down the drain and a semester further away from my goals.   I could also just cut it down to 1 class, my nursing class.   Though, I really like my Literature teacher.  😦

Although I am interested in the subjects I am studying, I am having a really hard time forcing myself to sit there and do the work.    Even if I did drop my classes, it is only 3 months until the next semester.    Would 3 months be enough to find my school mojo again?  I took last year off because of my mom and a desire to find a new job, and because of the grieving and being blah and fearful, I never did find that new job.

What I really want to do is exercise – [take yoga, Aikido, swim, bike] and decorate my house [paint my room, hang some art], make art,  study art, read for fun, and socialize – I’ve this grand desire to socialize at the moment, a lot, friends and lovers, with my animals and myself.      I also want to purge my house of crap, and build this blog and my digital life archive.    If I didn’t have my animals I would be a nomad.

Then there is also being late for work a lot lately.  It started out as 5 minutes.  Now it’s 10 minutes.   Granted, I’m losing my steam for med-surg really quickly, but that is no excuse.   Even though I am having more and more trouble getting up, there is still the consequence of being really inconsiderate to the nurse I am relieving.   Being late has been a lifelong problem for me, inherited from my mother.  It is something I want to overcome.  I am considering hypnosis at this point.   I end up being late for things I’m interested in, too.

My psychiatrist suggests I’m not taking care of myself and that I have too much going on.   My therapist suggests that I’m being indulgent and also not following through with the commitment I made for this semester.    I say … I don’t know what I say – but I agree with both of them.   For my own voice, I haven’t stopped to listen and be decisive.   I’m just being scattered and fluttering about.    There are (always) lots of passions and interests competing for attention, and there is an undercurrent of unrest, dis-ease, competing with a desire for balance and peace.   There is also a samsung galaxy s3 I keep getting caught up playing with.
My frustration tolerance for dealing with the anxiety associated with schoolwork is low at the moment, untrained.  Is it unwillingness or inability?   Where do they intersect?   Sigh.