Be dynamite, Live dynamically!

Posts tagged ‘spirituality’

Sleepy Sunday Sangha Sitting

Still maintaining some semblance of serenity.

Still maintaining some semblance of serenity.

The past few weeks I haven’t been meditating much at all, even at work.  The humdrum cycle of school-work-schoolwork-work-schoolwork-work-school has been zombifying me a bit.   I also haven’t been as desperate at work for the silence as I had been previous weeks since the unit has calmed down a bit.  There were also a coupla coffee first-meets, some schoolwork, but generally just eating dinner in the office near the nursing station where we usually eat – our unit doesn’t officially have a break room for the staff, go figure.

I still find it difficult to make that space/time at home.  I’m contemplating shutting myself in the bathroom for 10 minutes before or after showering, though it will bug the heck out of my zoo.  🙂

Today I got floated to a unit that didn’t end up needing me, and my unit was adequately staffed.  Thus, I asked for a day off and my wish was granted!  At some point the idea that it was Sunday and sangha happens on sundays crossed paths, and I resolved to go.

It was nice to be back, Rock Blossom Sangha is always so welcoming.  🙂

My back, however, complained given a lack of recent exercise and sitting time. Despite thinking I had propped myself up adequately, the first 20 minute meditation alternated between relaxation and random pains, and I adapted accordingly with slouching.   I was also rusty on battling my brain and I spent most of the time chasing after thoughts rather than remembering I could let them go for now.   My brain brought up thoughts and feelings from the past and future, a few of which I entertained  in order to provide some compassion to help their release.   What’s different now vs. when I started meditation in November (albeit irregular) is that I’m not beating myself up for not being able to reel in my brain and focus on my breath.  I Just keep reassuring myself I don’t need to act on these things, I have permission to be in the present moment and appreciate it, to just sit.

For the second 20 minute seated meditation, my body decided it was going to entertain serious sleepiness and that became the battle.  Battle?  Why is it a battle?  Let’s just call it a deep relaxation – though perhaps I should have just laid down for that 20 minutes and made it such.   After I regained some consciousness, I did become somewhat irritable hoping that bell would ring, but it didn’t.  I sat, dozed, thought, let thoughts go, breathed, sat, listened to the noises in the room, and eventually the bell rang.

I couldn’t quite shake the drowsiness during the dharma reading which was a passage by Pema Chodron that appeared in a recent issue of Shambala.  In it she discussed  meditation and the need to keep necessary things under consideration, though the human tendency is to make things a big deal.   Fortunately I can still read it online.   If I met a guru, I would sadly  forget 3/4 of what they said anyway, even at my most alert.  *sheepish cheesebrain grin*

Hopefully having the opportunity to sit with a sangha today will kickstart my meditation wagon again.

Now, time for schoolwork.  I’m doing pretty good with that this weekend considering there had been a bunch of procrastination the past coupla weeks too.

Afterwards hopefully will play some cards against humanity with the waiters.  🙂   I never played, though I have bonus cards from over the holiday – including a card with my name on it!  Woot!

If I build it…

For the record, I’m really happy to be working on building up my blog finally.

I have a long-term goal of documenting much of my life’s journeys as a record – someone existed like this, whatever this is.   Maybe someone can learn something about themselves or another culture from my example.    Maybe not.

A friend of mine denies any of this matters.  Maybe it doesn’t in the long run.  Maybe the information I present here will be data in a file somewhere someday, out of sight, out of mind.   He says he creates art because he enjoys it, and I write because I enjoy it.  I like having the potential for an audience because I reckon I’m an exhibitionist.  😉 Hopefully this month off of school will see both a lot of writing and a lot of art on my part too.  🙂

At any rate, It is in progress.  The seed is growing.

Cest la vie, TBD.

 

Meditation day 16 – 12/17/13

(1 minute prep, 10 minute sit.)

I decided to sit away from the beasts.

My bedrooms have barriers to keep the puppy out.  I sat on the edge of the bed in the spare room today and for my minute prep I watched the fuzzkids outside the door.  The dogs always gather at the door and look confused and anxious as to why mommy is separate from them.  Pin walked away and lucas grabbed squeaky snake trying to get pinto to play, which pinto does not do. 

In told them I loved them and closed my eyes as the bell rang.

I notice my body does settle into meditation quicker now.  It is responding to the conscious training to be still.  My back started hurting … I should have at least put a pillow under my butt to tilt my pelvis, but chose not to readjust. My chest didn’t feel tight this time.  My back took the stage.  

My mind observed the noises in the apartment, and reflected on visiting zccc and other zen communities.  It is resonating easy with me perhaps because I am pursuing self growth, spiritual awareness and community all in one.  Yet I am not being force-fed dogma.   Hearing dharma talks haven’t even felt like dogma, but more info to contemplate or embed into my own journey.  It’s nice.  Happy. 

Oh, breath, meditation, right.  🙂
In breath, out breath.

In the background is a little meditation chant box singing amhitaba that andrew-san gave me.  I thought it was ridiculous and cheesy at first but now listen to it for a few moments near-daily as I get ready for work.  It is plugged into my computer speakers.  🙂  if I get a plug for it I might leave it on for the animals when I’m not home.  It has been playing for … 3 hours now?  

In breath, out breath, in breath, back pain, though the rest of my body is relaxed.  I had noticed tension in my stomach when I started and let it go.   Out breath.

Ten minutes seems like it should go faste, though it isnt heinously slow.
The bell rings, I bow, rise.

Dogs are ecstatic I’m rejoining them.   🙂

Meditation Day 6 – 12/7/13

Didn’t really have the time or headspace to meditate before work today, so resolved to meditate at work at the beginning of my break, which I did.

Started in a conference room chair with the lights out, planning to sit for 15 minutes with a minute prep time.

In less than a minute, decided the whirr of computers and squeal of the wifi router and tick tick tick tick of the clock was overwhelmingly annoying, and there was also a likelihood of getting interrupted.    Took it to the exam room which would only be entered into for an emergency or supplies.  Still whirr-squeal, but no tick tick tick.   So, I sat.

Shhh brain, shhhhhhhh.  My chest felt tight trying to watch my breath, sitting up on the stool felt weird, then leaning my back against the exam table was annoying so sat up tall again.  Whirrrsqueealll!   Kept having to lasso the brain in, though there were a few milli-moments of feeling relaxed.  Thought about bringing ear plugs tomorrow, though in such a room I would still perceive EMF’s were effecting me even if I couldn’t hear them.  (Reminder – prioritize moving cable modem and wifi router out of bedroom at home in the next few weeks!)

After the chime rang and I opened my eyes though I realized my body had been more relaxed than I recognized, at least from the waist down and in my head.    There was more going on than my mind’s eye perceived.  🙂

Tomorrow, if I end up meditating at work again I’m going to bring earplugs and sit in the seclusion room, which we don’t use very often.  Although I did have my Ipod and could have played a music or guided meditation, I also want to learn stillness, watching breath, observing self. Meditation music and chants are fab but are not entirely self-directed journeys from within.   I can’t believe I’m saying this.  A few years ago I thought just sitting and watching one’s breath was annoying and stupid.  🙂

Onward we journey.