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Posts tagged ‘zccc’

Meditation day 16 – 12/17/13

(1 minute prep, 10 minute sit.)

I decided to sit away from the beasts.

My bedrooms have barriers to keep the puppy out.  I sat on the edge of the bed in the spare room today and for my minute prep I watched the fuzzkids outside the door.  The dogs always gather at the door and look confused and anxious as to why mommy is separate from them.  Pin walked away and lucas grabbed squeaky snake trying to get pinto to play, which pinto does not do. 

In told them I loved them and closed my eyes as the bell rang.

I notice my body does settle into meditation quicker now.  It is responding to the conscious training to be still.  My back started hurting … I should have at least put a pillow under my butt to tilt my pelvis, but chose not to readjust. My chest didn’t feel tight this time.  My back took the stage.  

My mind observed the noises in the apartment, and reflected on visiting zccc and other zen communities.  It is resonating easy with me perhaps because I am pursuing self growth, spiritual awareness and community all in one.  Yet I am not being force-fed dogma.   Hearing dharma talks haven’t even felt like dogma, but more info to contemplate or embed into my own journey.  It’s nice.  Happy. 

Oh, breath, meditation, right.  🙂
In breath, out breath.

In the background is a little meditation chant box singing amhitaba that andrew-san gave me.  I thought it was ridiculous and cheesy at first but now listen to it for a few moments near-daily as I get ready for work.  It is plugged into my computer speakers.  🙂  if I get a plug for it I might leave it on for the animals when I’m not home.  It has been playing for … 3 hours now?  

In breath, out breath, in breath, back pain, though the rest of my body is relaxed.  I had noticed tension in my stomach when I started and let it go.   Out breath.

Ten minutes seems like it should go faste, though it isnt heinously slow.
The bell rings, I bow, rise.

Dogs are ecstatic I’m rejoining them.   🙂

Meditation Day 15 – 12/16/13 + reflections on friendship

Today was emotional.   I was supposed to see a friend tonight but they relapsed last night, and I got fed up despite their intent on still showing up.  Was there really a guarantee?   Besides, I’m angry and hurt and I feel bad for them, but I have to protect my sobriety and sanity.  I was also just feeling kinda lonely after that.  Another friend I had gotten used to having around regularly has been busy or spending time with their significant other.   I’m amused I’m craving friendship, considering up until a few months ago I was primarily craving lover time.  That shows progress…but where is my tribe?

I spent the first portion of my life without friends.  The second portion I was accessory to multiple tribes.  I want my own tribe now.  I refuse to believe that I am meant to be a lighthouse on an island instead of a community, or the woman on the mountain with just the animals.   I believe in my spirit that I will find a lasting community, or create one.    The people I’ve had the longest run of kindred feelings towards are all far away – Peru, Berlin, Oklahoma, Washington, New Jersey, Connecticut, China, Boston.  Don’t laugh, New Jersey is a thousand million miles away when you are a NYC resident.  😉  

So, today was an emotional wanting tribe day.  Then I also missed my freakin’ English professor to turn in my paper, so I have to go to her at 1030 Wednesday morning!  Ack!   Mornings and I….

So, I went to ZCCC for their holiday party.  Overcame social anxiety [Yes, I’m shy. Don’t laugh] by instigating conversation with the person standing next to me who wasn’t speaking to anyone else, and we chatted for the next few hours.   He had watched ZCCC grow from seeds over the years, and it was nice to touch that memory with him.   I encouraged him to rekindle his meditation practice.  Listen to me, 15 days in acting like the disciplined meditative Bodhisattva.   I left the party with a bag of leftover pasta and sweets, an unexpected parting gift, and a koan [mu/moo/wu] which will fill me up much longer should I choose to accept that challenge, and even the idea of doing a standing meditation.

It seems I’m always leaving zen centers with more than I walked in with.   I sense that’s a koan too.

When I got home, I peed the dogs, gave them the new bones I got them, and tried to slip in my meditation before noshing on another round of pasta.  Sitting on the table edge drew the puppy away from the bone, so I took a seat on the couch.

1 minute prep time, 10 minute meditation:  My body felt relaxed, but my brain immediately wanted to relive feel-good interactions at the party.  I tried to counteract that with consciously summoning up some of the seeds of sadness encountered earlier, and invited mindfulness to be with them.  I think, if I recall, on my drive into the city I also invited mindfulness to give some compassion to those feelings.  I tried to count breaths after cycles, as my new acquaintance suggested he did once.  At some point I focused on observing the environment because pinto started growling at lucas [bone-couch turf war].  Heck, I got scared Pinto was going to launch an attack, wondering if I could consinue to simply observe as they fought it out before me – which ends up in play, interestingly.  I observed that fear rise and fall, and nothing happened.  Observing my cat behind my head, the fish tank gurgling, then was feeling bad about my crappy fish tank care and thought about … oh, right.  In breath, Out breath.  1.  In breath, out breath.  2.

10 minutes seemed like a long time, but when the timer rang, I wanted to sit longer.  HA.

I didn’t, though.

I bowed to Lucas,

and revisited pasta.

Image

Day 15, check.